oh. my. gosh.

Time is flying by too quickly than is possible. My mind is swirled and blank and now is not the time for swirly and blankness. i don't know what that means. Maybe you can tell me.

i feel ill and tired. Tired and ill. Go to bed. Wake up. Repeat.

We're chained.

How my heart raced! And he disappeared before he would speak to me. i've waited all this time but he hasn't reappeared.

i've been decent. Hard to say really. i think i was more creative when everyone hated me and i had no friends. Dammit. Oh well. That'll teach me to be cool.

eeeee eeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeee <~~~ that's dolphin for "tyler is crazy."

redbowlingballruth, your most unique quality is that you're unusually Inspirational

You inspire others around you with your creative energy and thirst for new experiences. You are exceptionally curious and aren't afraid of learning new things — which is probably because you tend to focus on the potential positive outcome of any experience rather than dwelling on the potential negatives. You are a true explorer in the word. You want to understand and experience it all, and you're especially open to new feelings and ideas. Compared to others who are open, you are unusually appreciative of art and beauty. Only 2.1% of all test takers have this unique combination of personality strengths.

I feel so special.

the beatles...thats something we all should agree on...that they're awesome.

That and i think we should all agree that a vice is good. We all need a great vice that sort of liberates us from normalcy. Be it a gambling, drinking, smoking a bit of pot, staying up late, going on shopping sprees, too much coffee...whatever. The world runs on a nice health self destructive vice from time to time. Its what makes life feel a bit nicer. And all of this is under moderation of course...but i've always been worried about people with no vices...

--Twitch

Been tryin' to meet you. There must be a devil between us

i randomly picked up the best of the Pixies this weekend and i think i may be in love. Its really great, and once i have some real cash, i'll buy all their albums. That'll be a while, especially if i keep skipping work.

or whores in my head,whores at my door, whore in my bed

Kind of a rough weekend, and i still don't know all the facts. Doesn't matter. She's alright for now.

but hey, where have you been

i don't know if you ever read this, Jenn, but i love you!!!

if you go, i will surely die

i'm not really happy or sad right now. i'm nothing. A white wall. Or more appropriatly, a black wall. So much to do and think about and worry about but just not enough time.

we're chained

On a debate about stereo-typing religious fanatics:

so why don't you just say you don't like gays or blacks too.

Because they never tried to paint my skin brown or get me to suck cock.

Don't look suprised. Erased. Our lives. Erased.

i love this song.

i was just pondering, as i oft do, but i rarely do it when i'm in as good of a mood as i'm in right now. Don't ask why i'm so high right now. The Music has something to do with it. Without Music i would whither away. Trust me. i would.

There will always be someone prettier, smarter, taller, thinner, more likeable, less miserable. (Can't remember where i originally heard that) We are all on a middle ground. On and on it doesn't matter. And i love it. i've begun to write again. Perhaps that has set my spirits a bit higher.

Care for an excerpt? Too bad, you're getting one.

.....Janet's van had been in exactly three accidents. Twice when Adam was driving and once when Janet was driving. Each wreck happened under odd circumstances and by the extent of the damage it was especially strange that no one was ever hurt.
.....The van's physical appearance was truly something not to be missed. The van, whose name was Jimi, was infamous in the town. Janet had acquired the VW van from her pot-head uncle after he was incarcerated. On one side was a naked mermaid that Janet's uncle had painted--probably while he was high. The other side had a roaring black cat, also painted in 60's style psychedelic op art. Jimi was covered in dents and only a single headlight functioned properly. His interior was just as interesting. Giant fuzzy dice hung from the broken rearview mirror and the entire inside of the van was covered in orange shag carpet. The scent of incense was forever fused into the soul of Jimi and was always the first thing anyone noticed upon entering the van for the first time.

This is a very very rough draft, and taken out of context rather boring.

Ha ha if you read the whole thing.

;)

A thousand words a day is a lot. i have five hundred words so far. Only five hundred to go.

i'm chained to this moment
i'm harnessed to the wheel
i crawl over glass
i step over steel
but i'm still happy
just oh so happy
because i know that there's more
oh yes, there is more

i will continue to crawl over glass
continue to step over steel
test the limits of these chains
pull the harness from the wheel
i'll continue to live 'cause you asked me to
i'm not afraid to live
its only a single day more

And you'll always be here, in my dreams, forevermore.

Yeah, i do love you. Whoever you are.

Maybe the rain will stop following me.

Wouldn't that be super creepy if people i knew were reading this blog, but i didn't know they were reading it? And wouldn't it be really creepy if that someone was a teacher? If a teacher did somehow come across this, i think it would be ok for me to call them an arrogant jackass and uber creepy, too. i don't think any teacher is reading this, or i wouldn't have just said that. (but if there is, please don't fail me. i know you already hate me.)

i'm a wee bit paranoid.

Power to the (poor) people.

"The people can always be brought to the bidding of their leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same way in any country."- Nazi Reich Marshall Hermann Goering, at the Nuremberg War Trials

i'm lovely, dammit.

She said she came from cell block three.


The self-loathing has begun again and i think i hate that more than anything else. i probably need a psychiatrist. i don't know. i sit here in my so-so life with my so-so thoughts and my so-so dreams and my nonexistant aspirations.

And there is no one to come to my rescue. Thats ok. i'd rather learn to be independent now than be lonely later.

i am a horrible horrible person. i feel terrible, and i know its my fault. i hate it when you find out what you want isn't really what you want. And right now, a commitment is not what i want.

Its too bad i hadn't figured that out about a week ago, because then it wouldn't be too late. And now i probably ruined a perfectly perfect friendship.

What have i become, my sweetest friend? . . . i will let you down. i will make you hurt.

Had i more faith in myself, perhaps, it would have worked. But it isn't fair to get into a relationship when i truly hate myself this much. It really wouldn't be fair to the other person. Perhaps if it was someone i didn't respect, or who hated themself as much as i hate myself, it could work. But there are some people i just couldn't do that too.

So how to go about gaining a little self respect. Hard work. Maybe a little more pain. i need to start writing again. Find some goals. i don't know. i stopped caring about 18 years ago.