i am a horrible horrible person. i feel terrible, and i know its my fault. i hate it when you find out what you want isn't really what you want. And right now, a commitment is not what i want.

Its too bad i hadn't figured that out about a week ago, because then it wouldn't be too late. And now i probably ruined a perfectly perfect friendship.

What have i become, my sweetest friend? . . . i will let you down. i will make you hurt.

Had i more faith in myself, perhaps, it would have worked. But it isn't fair to get into a relationship when i truly hate myself this much. It really wouldn't be fair to the other person. Perhaps if it was someone i didn't respect, or who hated themself as much as i hate myself, it could work. But there are some people i just couldn't do that too.

So how to go about gaining a little self respect. Hard work. Maybe a little more pain. i need to start writing again. Find some goals. i don't know. i stopped caring about 18 years ago.