Monday, September 12, 2005

i'm in college now.
i've been here for 19 days.
i have $4.15 in my checking account.
i've been to the ocean twice: once during the day and once at night.
i have the coolest friends in the world. i'm so lucky to have met them.
i work in the mailroom and my boss is a monk named Brother Ramon. He likes John Wayne movies.
i have the coolest best sweetest roommate in the whole world. She throws things at me so that i'll get my ass out of bed and go to class.
i went to the cemetary at 3:00 am with some random guy (his name is Mike, he looks either like Billy Idol or a werewolf) on the 3rd or 4th day i was here.
i have five different classes. i hate them all, with the exception of Sociology.
i went to Aberdeen.
Come As You Are.

i'll try to write often, but don't count on it.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

i rather stumble through life, don't i? If i can just get through today, i'll be fine. i think the only negative thing i learned in Oregon is not to become attached to people. Not necessarily a bad thing, but i take it to the extreme. i'd rather bumble along on my own than have to lean on a crutch. At the same time, i know thats hardly possible.

What kind of life would that be?

i'm talking myself in circles.

Around and around and around.


Friday, August 05, 2005

Right now, as things stand, with the classes i have signed up for, i am double majoring in English and Business Administration. But i was recently inspired to possibly major in Psychology. i'll have to sleep on it, but so far the more i think about it, the more i like it. And who am i kidding; Business Administration??? Maybe as a minor, but i doubt i'd ever use it to the extent of say, starting my own business.

Its been a while since i've writ, and a lot has happened, but only because days have passed, not because of anything significant. i went to Washington, saw my super kick ass school, saw my dorm room (meh), saw some monks (heh), and fed a homeless man (bleh).

Psychology. Hmm. As if i should be connected to such a thing.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

The Warped Tour was just way too much fun. i couldn't have asked for a better time. Other than the searing heat and $3 bottles of water (plus tip), it was kick ass. Crowd surfing is highly recommended, as is seeing My Chemical Romance live. i love Gerard. i bought an MCR shirt. Its hawt.

i got stuck in Bozeman for an extra night, but it was all good. i got paid $20 for helping clean the nastiest apartment ever and my aunt gave me a coffee mug for helping her do inventory for her coffee huts.

Anyway, not much else to report. Family is coming this weekend so we can go to Washington, but it doesn't look like i'll get to go to the Bob Dylan concert after all. Oh well. Someday.

I am as ugly as I seem
Worse than all your dreams
Could ever make me
Out to be

Thursday, June 30, 2005

i get to see my cat tomorrow!!!

hee hee.

i decided its not so tough being away from my family, after seeing how Melinda manages without her husband. Its strange when people call here for Cody. i want to scream, "call back in December, he's in Iraq you bastard!!!" i know its been tough on his family and on him and if i can help out, i'm content to do so. Not that i'm much help. Mostly i'm awkward and in the way, so i just do the dishes every day to try and make up for it. Right now i should be cleaning, but i just don't have the energy. i also need to pack. Bleh.

Well, thats all for now.
i'm a huge dork.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

My poem (Thursday April 14) is going to be published. i wrote it in about 5 minutes after watching a two hour special about Frida Kahlo. What an extraordinary woman. How can anyone not idolize her? When you see her paintings, you cannot easily forget them. She was such a powerful woman despite, or rather because of, her childhood illnesses and the incident which crippled her. She will forever be my inspiration. If i could ever be even half the woman she was, i would be lucky.

i would be very lucky indeed.

i am sitting here, not even knowing what to do with myself. i am, legally, an adult, with responsibilities and schedules and goals and planning, and yet my mind is just . . . blank. i feel as though i should be accomplishing something great, but i don't know where even to begin. When you are left alone for so long, with nothing to do, you realize how truly sad you are.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

i just don't know what to do with myself.
i'm tired and my entire head feels like it may just explode.
i've been having strange thoughts, but not the kind i care to repeat.
i wish i was spending my last summer with my friends and with my family.
But i'm not. And i can't. i wish desperatly that i could.
So long and thanks for all the fish.
Thats all for now.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Vans Warped Tour Bands in Bozeman, July 15

Fall Out Boy
My Chemical Romance

Strung Out
Dropkick Murphys

The Starting Line
Senses Fail
Simple Plan
Avenged Sevenfold
Matchbook Romance
No Use For A Name
Gogol Bordello

Hawthorne Heights
Reggie & the Full Effect
The Unseen
The Explosion
The Bled

Valient Thorr
Dorothy Sanchez
The Matches
Hidden in Plain View
Gym Class Heroes
Bedouin Soundclash
Strike Anywhere

El Pollo Diablo
The Look
Close To Home
National Product
Silent Army
Mentally Ill
Fully Loaded
Jupiter Sunrise

Boys Night Out
Yesterday's Rising
Armor For Sleep
Greeley Estates

My American Heart
Kane Hodder
Big D & The Kids Table
Bleed The Dream
Monty's Fan Club
Opiate For the Masses
Suburban Legends

Hangar 18
Josh Martinez and Sleep are the Chicharones

Rockbox Block
Lordz of Brooklyn
The Nillaz
Brother Reade

Leaving the Scene
Dirty Mary
Gina Young

Most of these bands i haven't even heard of. But as long as MCR is there, i am so happy.


Tuesday, June 14, 2005

I don't want to hurt you. My contempt is only for myself. Sometimes I know I say things that sting, but it isn't intentional . . . because Ana is beautiful. And I am not. My destruction is intentional and devastating. Trying so hard for a little bit of love, and only failing twice as much. Perhaps I cannot be loved. Or I try too hard for affection that isn't there. My desire to take care of people is mistaken for love. I mistake it for love. Ofentimes I want to curl up and sleep forever, until life just passes. The worrying that I endure doesn't seem worth whatever happens after the worrying. Some ensurance, some sign, that its possible for me to be loved is all I ask. I cannot trust your word, or your actions, or my intuition. I'm sorry. For everything. For myself. For my unhappiness and letting it affect your happiness. If it is best, I will leave you in peace. It would tear me apart not to talk to you. My misery would be complete and my sorrow unendurable. But if you were happier because of my absence, then I would go. Perhaps it would be of some consolation to know that you were more satisfied without the burden of me and my contemptable love. Perhaps. I would do it for Ana because she is beautiful and my love is tainted.

i wrote that sometime during the last two years, and its funny what a difference a few months can make. i don't feel that way at all anymore, and it makes me smile to think that my woes once seemed so large and infinite. Not that i think i'm being a drama queen, thats just the way you feel sometimes: like your problems are so big and no one else can possibly suffer as much as you.

i've changed so much in just the last few months. i'd like to thank all my friends, especially Jenn and Kurt, i'd like to thank the White Stripes because they are my inspiration, i'd like to thank the fact that i've finally grown up and found out the world does not revolve around me. Thank you time, you heal everything.

I went down to the river filled with regret
Looked down and I wondered if there was any reason left
And just before my lungs could get wet
I'm lonely, but I ain't that lonely yet

The new White Stripes album is amazing, my friends are amazing, things are just in general amazing.


Saturday, June 04, 2005

i am so messed up. No. Seriously. i don't know whats wrong with me. i bet i murder my roommate and i haven't even met her yet, hell i don't know if i have a roommate yet. David Bowie is awesome. i love rebel rebel, and my dad said Iggy Pop co-wrote that one. Big suprise that i would like that. i got eaten up by mosquitos and i've been drinking coffee. At 10:00pm. Well, i guess friday night i drank coffee at midnight, but hey, i was with kurt and you can't not drink coffee when you're with him. i feel all depressed and happy and sad and stupid. i'm babbling which i thought i'd never do on my blog. blah blah blah. i'll stop. i am so messed up.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Withdrawn (I) 74.29% Outgoing (E) 25.71%
Imaginative (N) 66.67% Realistic (S) 33.33%
Emotional (F) 72.41% Intellectual (T) 27.59%
Improvised (P) 70.97% Organized (J) 29.03%
Your type is: INFP
You are an Idealist, possible professions include - information-graphics designer, college professor, researcher, legal mediator, social worker, holistic health practitioner, occupational therapist, diversity manager, human resource development specialist, employment development specialist, minister/priest/rabbi, missionary, psychologist, writer
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Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Graduation day could not have been more perfect. Or more confusing. But thats alright. i spend most of my time being confused.

Not sure yet what to do with my summer. i'd love to stay, but i probably can't.

Thus far my days are spent cleaning, thinking, reading, thinking, movies, thinking, laughing, thinking, and smiling.

Washington in three months. Less than that even. i'm so happy and excited and scared and sad. But mostly happy.

Alright. Thats enough thoughts.

Life is perfect at this second. Just wanted to throw that out there.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

"the be all and end all"

that can't be right. can it?

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Life is short and it should be that way. All things in life that are so great are only good if taken in small doses. Like cheesecake. One piece is enough and more than that will make you ill. i don't understand why some people will sit and fret and complain about everyone else's life habits when they should maybe take a look in the mirror and fix themselves first before trying to control everyone else. i don't give a fuck what you think because you didn't care what i thought. There is no use pretending.

i'm through complaining. i'll just say that i'm tired and everyone is getting on my nerves and i want to cry and scream and scream and scream.

i'm too busy to be writing this shit.

good bye.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

i can't wait until i am far far away and don't have to ever deal with this shit again. i'd rather deal with new shit, because at least then i might have more control over it. We all must tiptoe around each other and pretend that everything is all right and be afraid that an off word or crossways look will cause pandemonium. There are no freedoms here without judgement. i won't be preached to by someone with a death wish.

i suddenly realized what i want to do with my life. Maybe. It'll change, for sure. But i want to write it down now.

It occured to me sometime between working on the set late and driving to Great Falls for props that i would love to work behind the scenes for plays or movies. Never as a director or actress, but as a stage manager, or costume person, or make-up artist, or set designer. And while i am traveling around the world doing the aforementioned, i could write my little books or play guitar in dark dingy bars with a cigarette and a bottle of Jack. There is something romantic about being a starving artist, but only if that lasts a short time.

Its frustrating to know what you want, but also to know it can never come true.

Infatuation sucks.