i told my baby sister to go upstairs and get my shoes. She looked at me and said, "I'm not gonna." i gave her a hug and told her i loved her. How great is she??? (This is not sarcasm, by the way.)

When i was in Washington, Sam told me i reminded her of an actress, and she had been trying to remember all week which one. She then buried her head in the pillow, as if embaressed. i only smiled, which is my usual intelligent response.

Going away, to other states especially, makes me feel so much better than i do when i just stay here. i feel far more wanted and beautiful when i'm away from home. Montana guys are such jerks. Not to mention ignorant. i can't wait to go away for the summer. Perhaps intelligent conversations will ensue. If i don't get tounge-tied which tends to happen. Sometimes i can be more articulate than anyone i know and other times its as if i've never spoken to a person before. We'll have to see.

i need someone unconventional. i don't think that'll ever happen.

i'll just have to be the unconventional one.

i bet i repel a lot of people.

Summer is here. i'm unprepared. It'll be gone before i even realized it started. This post is just so i know that there was an actual beginning, and i didn't just blink.

People are such strange creatures. Is there such a thing as complete trust? Will i, as a strange creature myself, ever be able to trust anyone? i am an honest person. For the most part. If i met myself, i could trust me. Would anyone else? Not many people trust me, but its not because they don't think i can't be trusted. Its because i'm a hard person to open up to. i know that. It doesn't bother me. i'd rather not be burdened by other people's problems. For some people, though, i would gladly take that burden.

heavy things weigh us down but oftentimes we put them upon ourselves

i would take yours away

in a
heartbeat

sugary dreams with lemon wallpaper
white flowers and cups of coffee
some love letters
a handful of crimson
strawberry scented hair
melodic voice lost to the air

Everyday is just as awful as the last. i am handcuffed to this damn thing. What am i ever going to do? My only hope is that i'll leave for a while and come back to find all feelings obliterated and i will be able to move on to another obsession. My life exists within a box right now and to it i am confined.

If i'm not your one and only, then i'm your nothing.
i was lying in shattered glass, and along you came--caressing my wounds with your salty kisses.

*** *** ***

i got my eyebrow pierced. Its so odd that i would actually do something like that. Everyone will freak out tomorrow. Here are family reactions so far:
"I don't hate it."
"I'm digging the hip eyebrow piercing."
*Shudder* "Ugh."
There are more, but i won't bore you further.

There were kittens in a cage. Captive, sleeping cats. i'm like that sometimes. When you're held in one spot, the best thing to do is lie down and sleep until someone breaks the glass and you can escape.

It snowed for the last two days straight. Montana is so strange. i love it. Just the weather. Not the people.

i'm tempted to do something great, but i think that requires cunning and daring first. Neither of which i possess. i can talk with big words and appear intellegent, but my head is so far in the clouds, i need an airplane to bring me down. Or maybe a hot air balloon. Yeah, i think i like that better.

Learned a new song on my guitar. Its nothing great. i'll try something new tonight.

Right now i'm just waiting. For the phone, for an IM. i don't know. For anything. Possibly only for love. Whatever that is.

One cannot really appreciate this town if one has grown up in it. From the outside it looks decent and sweet; the kind of place to raise one's children. Maybe it is. i can't stand it, if that isn't obvious by now.

Today i feel nothing. Not joy, or sadness, or lonely, or happy. Not even indifferent. Just nothing. Maybe someone will call and make me smile. But probably not. That's fine, too. Rumblefuss. Jack White can talk to me, he always makes me either laugh or cry. Or Rivers. He is my new love. But really, he only makes me cry.

It snowed today. Its May. Montana is ridiculous. It makes absoloutly no sense ever. You have to love that about it.

People confuse me. Life in general confuses me. Ah, but it is all so great.

i will be all "antimony and lace" in a few short days.
i will be in Wyoming in a few short weeks.
i will be in Washington in a few long months.
School will start again in a few short months.
i will graduate in a single short year.

And still tomorrow comes as though she has no choice.

What a bitch.

Just got back from Wyoming. Had a pleasant time. Saw a Boston Terrier i had a very hard time parting with. He quit playing with his buddy and sat and looked at me with the saddest eyes i have ever seen. He began to bite at the bars he was behind. i was so sad and if i had $800 at that moment, he would be with me right now. i'm so sad. i fell in love with the little guy. Anyways, Arsenic and Old Lace was very good but very long so we did not get to eat until 11:00 which was my fault, of course, because i suggested we eat afterwards. Ah, well. We all lived.

i am ready for summer. i will be getting my eyebrow pierced as a new beginning and for a new outlook. Isn't that symbolic? It should be. Ash says she doesn't want to get a tattoo because she doesn't like needles. Should i tell her they use BIG hollow needles to pierce your labret? i don't think i will . . . she'll just have to go and find out.

Ha, i'm evil.

Trish

???
i'm so confused
*gah*

i have about a trillion different emotions coursing through my body right now, and i don't even know how to begin sorting them out. My ideas come in cycles, and at first one seems right, until the next comes along and then i don't know what to think. My entire body is literally shaking and i just don't know.

i don't know what to do with myself. i always need someone to tell me what to do. Not this time. i know what i want to do, but i also feel that it may be the wrong choice, or too soon to tell. i have one year. A lot can happen in one year. i don't need to make a decision now.

But my body can't stop shaking and my mind won't stop running.

Oh, gosh. i had to post this.

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It made me laugh.

i can't stop listening to Weezer's Blue Album.

So awesome:

You walk up to her

Ask her to dance

She says "hey, baby I just might take the chance"

You say "It's a good thing

That you float in the air

That way there's no way I will crush your pretty toenails into a thousand pieces."

Only in dreams.

Everyone should listen to this album. It is amazing.

i don't know how accurate this is, but interesting all the same.

Advanced Big 45 Personality Test Results Gregariousness |||||| 18% Sociability ||||||||| 26% Assertiveness ||||||||| 30% Poise ||||||||||||||| 42% Leadership ||||||||| 22% Provocativeness ||||||||||||||| 42% Self-Disclosure |||||||||||||||||| 58% Talkativeness |||||| 14% Group Attachment |||||||||||||||||| 54% Extroversion |||||||||||| 34% Understanding |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78% Warmth |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74% Morality |||||||||||||||||| 58% Pleasantness |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82% Empathy ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Cooperation |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74% Sympathy |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74% Tenderness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74% Nurturance |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74% Friendliness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 72% Conscientiousness |||||||||||| 34% Efficiency ||||||||| 30% Dutifulness |||||||||||||||||| 58% Purposefulness ||||||||| 30% Organization ||||||||||||||||||||| 70% Cautiousness ||||||||| 26% Rationality |||||| 18% Perfectionism |||||||||||| 34% Orderliness |||||||||||| 38% Orderliness |||||||||||| 37% Stability ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Happiness ||||||||| 30% Calmness |||||||||||||||||| 58% Moderation ||||||||||||||| 50% Toughness |||||||||||||||||| 58% Impulse Control |||||||||||||||||| 58% Imperturbability |||||||||||| 34% Cool-headedness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78% Tranquility ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Emotional Stability |||||||||||||||||| 54% Intellect ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Ingenuity |||||||||||||||||| 58% Reflection |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 90% Competence ||||||||||||||| 50% Quickness |||||||||||||||||| 58% Introspection |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74% Creativity |||||||||||| 34% Imagination |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82% Depth |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82% Openmindedness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%

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i'm feeling uninspired today for some reason. Well, i guess i feel that way often. This town is an oppressive place for a mind like mine to be. It only can rome within the fences of this place and thats not very far.

i feel less confined in the city, which i know is an odd thing to say. Perhaps the anonymity is the nicest thing. i like knowing i can make an idiot of myself in front of other people and chances are i will never see them again. What a great feeling that very few people realize and that most take for granted.

i miss sean.

i let perfection slip through my fingers and i may just let it haunt me the rest of my life.
i do not trust fate to do her job properly because she hasn't so far.

What has come over me, exactly? Never before have i acted this way or felt this way and its the most horrible feeling in the world. What is perfection? i don't have any idea. Maybe some kind person can tell me. Please tell me.

i wrote a song. Well, its a work in progress, but the lyrics can be posted, i suppose, as if anyone but i really cares.


i fell in love
it took ten minutes
i don't even know your name

i stood there waiting for you to come
i stood amazed when you finally did

i hurt
i bleed
alone
i weep

And you'll never know this song is about you
Maybe you never even cared
You'll never know that i cared

i thought a thousand thoughts about you
i don't even know your name
And now you're a million miles away

i hurt
i bleed
alone
i weep
i dream
of fate
and you
my fate

i fell in love
it took ten minutes
i don't even know your name
i don't even know your name
i don't even know you

i am so lost.

"Do you smoke pot?"
Hee hee. i just got back from Cincinnati and it was a BLAST. However, i took no names or e-mail addresses because i hate to become attached to people that live so far away.
Anyways, a guy that looked just like (i am not kidding) Jack White from The White Stripes asked if i wanted to smoke pot with him. i, being the good girl that i am, said no. In fact, i have never been asked such a question being a hick from Montana and was caught off gaurd a little. But the guy was so cool and nice, i wish i could remember his name. i tried to find him later, but my JW look-alike disappeared. So it wasn't meant to be. Ah, well. That's fate, i suppose. He had said i looked like a bad girl, that i didn't even look a little bit like a good girl. It was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. i was oh so flattered. No jokes.
i LOVE the city! Any city! But my heart is in Seattle, and i don't know why exactly. Hendrix, i suppose, and a little bit of Kurt Cobain. As long as i don't end up like either of them.
Well, there is too much to tell that i won't waste the time sharing here. i'm tired, and happy, and only slightly disappointed that i had to come home. It was well worth the trip. Next year, Anaheim, CA.
Oh yes. i forgot to mention that i actually PLACED in desktop publishing at NATIONAL BPA. i am still amazed. i think they made a mistake.

Well i looked at him and caught him lookin' at me/ i knew right then we were playin' free . . . in Oregon

Love, Trish

ps. Weezer's Blue Album rocks.