Altruism.
To be selfish is hell. A selfless life is the only life in which you can make gains. Making sacrifices for everyone but yourself. Living and working communally, collective thinking, existing as one. Unite and rule. Help those around you to live a full life. Suffer a little to make someone else happy.

Egotism.
To be selfless is hell. To be true to yourself and only to yourself. To have purely selfish motives and actions. Happiness only comes from individualism, which is achieved through the ego. Stand by what you say, don't compromise, and you can be happy because what you've created is unmolested, untouched by any force outside of that of your own imagination.

i don't necessarily agree with it. But maybe some parts are true.

If someone truly loves you, they will climb mountains to get to you.

i am a misanthropic humanitarian.
i put altruism before egotism, unless its my own egotism.
i like things that i put an end to, but i rarely end them.
i don't mind watching paint dry. i don't mind noisy people.
Art is something few people fully understand, but something everyone thinks they have a say in.
i believe morals are hard to come by and even harder to stand by.
Intellegence and education are two very different things, but equally deadly.
Ayn Rand is a rightest. And i am not.
i only know what to believe when i study art. i've been lost for a while now.
i'm discovering still.
And learning. Its all coming.
The only thing i know for sure is that i have never been as happy as i am now.

That is the hardest thing to admit.

i recieved a flood of mail from St. Martin's. And a small note from Puget Sound. They will review my application and let me know by April 1. i'm not going there, even on the off chance i get accepted. St. Martin's is my home. i'll be within driving of Anacortes and Bubba. Within driving to the ocean. Within getting away to Vancouver once in a while. Mostly i'll be within some sort of freedom i've never been able to attain while living in Denton. i have never felt quite happy here; not since i moved here. i don't mean to sound ungrateful--there are lots of people that i adore. But things just aren't quite . . . right. Not for me. i desire art and culture and humanity in all forms rather than just white cookie cutters. i want to know what its like to be sorrounded by buildings full of humans, to walk down a street and feel the excitement of not being sure if i am quite safe. i felt a bit of that in Cinncinati. i walked to the hotel from the dance, by myself. It was an exilerating feeling because i knew i shouldn't have been wandering around a strange city. i was in no real danger; the hotel was down the street--1 or 2 blocks and we were in an upscale part of town. But i liked that feeling. i would have felt at home propped up against the Saks Fifth Avenue building, smoking a cigarette and watching others walk by quickly with their heads down. i guess i want to escape into the city. i want to know what it's like to be anonymous. i want people to look at me and have no preconceived notions, no ideas based on what they've heard--i want them to look and see me, as i am, and nothing else.

life is interesting.
what more could i want?

OK. i'm in love. Its okay to admit. Too bad i've never talked to him. Not even once. But i do love him anyways. i want to make love to his lips. He said hello to me once. Its been months since i've seen him but he appeared on a pop-up. How strange.

Someone once told me fate never falls short. i still don't know if he's wrong or right.

i need to write to Tom. He thinks i'm a bitch because i act like one. How weird is that? i feel bad because he is a sweetheart and i'm cold hearted. i hardly deserve someone like him, so maybe i should just leave it alone . . . ???

i know i won't leave it alone.

oh dear god!!!! i almost forgot the world revolved around you!!! Without you living and breathing and offering your sacred opinions, the earth would spiral off its axis and we would be hurtled into an abyss unmatched by any other. Pout when things don't go your way, whine when they do, ask for responsibility only to shrug it off. You can smile and smile and still be a villain. Thats just how i am.~~~just how you are.

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There is this black flower inside of me. Growing, blossoming everyday and i cannot stop it. It plays with me in ways i didn't realize flowers could. i do not want to stop it. It is my flower, my black flower, and no matter how misplaced it may be, i love it.

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Despite the wonderful burden of this flower, i am still very happy. So so so happy.