What exactly is wrong with me? i want to have fun, i really do. My mom says i'm opposed to it, but i think thats only because she isn't able to live her teen years vicariously through me. i think my standoffish personality leads people to think i'm not having fun. But i'm never not having fun. i'm cool with whatever. When other people say they're bored, i think, "how can you be bored when we are all out of the house on this Saturday night, with each other, just chilling?" i'm a loser; thats what that means.

ANYWAYS, enough self pity. i laid in the grass today, and it was long and soft and i had forgotten the way grass smells. i miss being outside all of the time, i feel quite lazy when i'm indoors. And alone. i cleaned today, but it didn't help the way i'm feeling. Maybe a trip to Cincinnati will help, but i always come back from those feeling even more down. And this has turned back into self pity.

Enough for now.
i'll write when i'm feeling loved.

I am an Intellectual



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Sun Sign: Scorpio
April 23, 2004
You may be running into obstacles recently that make you stop and question the path you are on, Tricia. Perhaps you have been acting on assumptions that are no longer valid. This is a time when you need to question your goals and figure out where you need to focus your attention in order to be the most effective. To make matters worse, there is an emotional thorn in your side that is making it difficult for you to change. The familiar route is likely to be the most comfortable, but, unfortunately, not necessarily the most beneficial.

i realized how positively liberal i am, if you care to put a label on someone's beliefs. My parents raised me to be tolerant, and i took that to the extreme, i suppose, since neither of them really share my beliefs about certain things. Ah, well. Its better that i can have my own opinions without influence or purposeful contradiction.
i'm out of words.
Will post later.

Trish

i don't know if this will mean anything to anyone besides me, but i'll post it anyways.
Consider it a last thought for the night:

Message

Let your dreams be filled with everything important that you've ever forgotten.
And midnight kisses.

i was staring today, and thinking. Well, always thinking. About people. They fascinate me so.
Anyways, i was wondering why it is that you become jealous when someone you love is far away, talking to people you don't know. i think its the idea of someone you don't know having the pleausure of your loved one's company; when you can't have it. It is a sad idea, really. To think about someone else having that person's company when you are all alone and wasted.
So wasted.
The TV is blaring, but i'm still decent. It may rain, so that always gives me hope. Hope. The rain always cleans, and leaves the world clean and beautiful for all of us people who are so undeserving of it. i know. i complain too much about humanity. Well, humanity is beautiful in its own way. Yes, it can be ugly, but you can't live without people. You can't expect other people to live without people.
i'm tired.
and sighing.
Maybe someone will read this and i won't feel so alone.

My faith in truth universal, as well as JW's, is dying. i can go to his messages and it serves as some sort of bible because i can always find something in them that i can relate to. Has anyone ever stolen your thoughts from you in such a way?

The sky is gray today, but there is no wind. Which is odd for Montana, but quite enjoyable. i'm doing decent today, no breakdown yet, but the day is far from over.

Saint michael the archangel,
defend us in battle.
Be our protection against
the wickedness and
snares of the devil;
May God rebuke him,
we humbly pray;
And do thou, o prince
of the heavenly host,
by the power of God,
thrust into hell Satan
and all the evil spirits
who wander through
the world for the
ruin of souls.
Amen.

Why is it that something can't just be meaningless to me?

Angel wings and butterfly kisses
Procrastination and consideration
Innocence gone, but not lost
A million thoughts with no proper medium
Tainted church windows
The windows of a tainted church

My mind is numb from thinking
and feeling
and being.

Somedays are just so wasted with no memory to connect them with. Today i can remember eating pizza and creme filled eggs at a friend's; the first time in a long time. But the memory will fade because it always does. And its always more important to me than to those involved. And so the memory dies. Because no one cares. No one. It never matters, anyways. What matters? i'll be gone someday, from this place, from this world, and it really won't matter, to anyone but me.

But really, aren't i the only one who matters??? i do live in my own world, for myself, and with no one else to care what EXACTLY happens to me. i am the only one who matters in this world. No one else should have to care about me as long as i can care about myself.

Yeah, right. i hope i can find someone whose world i can become a part of and who lets me in.

But will it matter?

Some people are so extremely hypocritical that its unbelievable. Everyone is hypocritical to a certain point, but with others it seems to defy all boundaries of white lies and backwards tales. When someone preaches something, when someone complains about the actions of others, they have no right to go against what they say and expect not to have some consequences.
To me.
Think about this and what you have done and what others would think of you in such situations. i gaurantee you would not like yourself.

@--}---}---

My eyes were hot from the tears
My throat was tight and sore
I thought my head would explode
But i only prayed all the more

My senses were oddly heightened
My third eye opened wide
Never strike a woman
If you hit me you'd better hide

Its hard for me to imagine
A life that is bliss
i'll try to stay alive
If its only for your kiss