i get to see my cat tomorrow!!!

hee hee.

i decided its not so tough being away from my family, after seeing how Melinda manages without her husband. Its strange when people call here for Cody. i want to scream, "call back in December, he's in Iraq you bastard!!!" i know its been tough on his family and on him and if i can help out, i'm content to do so. Not that i'm much help. Mostly i'm awkward and in the way, so i just do the dishes every day to try and make up for it. Right now i should be cleaning, but i just don't have the energy. i also need to pack. Bleh.

Well, thats all for now.
i'm a huge dork.

My poem (Thursday April 14) is going to be published. i wrote it in about 5 minutes after watching a two hour special about Frida Kahlo. What an extraordinary woman. How can anyone not idolize her? When you see her paintings, you cannot easily forget them. She was such a powerful woman despite, or rather because of, her childhood illnesses and the incident which crippled her. She will forever be my inspiration. If i could ever be even half the woman she was, i would be lucky.

i would be very lucky indeed.

i am sitting here, not even knowing what to do with myself. i am, legally, an adult, with responsibilities and schedules and goals and planning, and yet my mind is just . . . blank. i feel as though i should be accomplishing something great, but i don't know where even to begin. When you are left alone for so long, with nothing to do, you realize how truly sad you are.

i just don't know what to do with myself.

***

i'm tired and my entire head feels like it may just explode.

***

i've been having strange thoughts, but not the kind i care to repeat.

***

i wish i was spending my last summer with my friends and with my family.

***

But i'm not. And i can't. i wish desperatly that i could.

***

So long and thanks for all the fish.

***

Thats all for now.

Vans Warped Tour Bands in Bozeman, July 15

NORTH STAGE
Transplants
Fall Out Boy
My Chemical Romance
Strung Out
Dropkick Murphys
Thrice
Underoath

SOUTH STAGE
The Starting Line
Senses Fail
MXPX
Simple Plan
Avenged Sevenfold
Matchbook Romance
Atreyu
No Use For A Name
Gogol Bordello

MAURICE STAGE
Silverstein
Hawthorne Heights
Reggie & the Full Effect
The Unseen
Rufio
The Explosion
The Bled

VOLCOM STAGE
ASG
Valient Thorr
Dorothy Sanchez
The Matches
Hidden in Plain View
Halifax
Gym Class Heroes
Horrorpops
Bedouin Soundclash
Strike Anywhere

HOT TOPIC - KEVIN SAYS
El Pollo Diablo
Kaddisfly
The Look
Cigarette
Close To Home
National Product
Silent Army
Mentally Ill
Fully Loaded
Jupiter Sunrise

SMART PUNK
Emery
Boys Night Out
Hopesfall
Yesterday's Rising
FFTL
Armor For Sleep
Greeley Estates
Alexisonfire

ERNIE BALL
My American Heart
Kane Hodder
Big D & The Kids Table
Bleed The Dream
Monty's Fan Club
Opiate For the Masses
Suburban Legends

CODE OF THA CUTZ
Greans
Eternia
Breathless
Hangar 18
Arcane/Astro
Josh Martinez and Sleep are the Chicharones
Ismalia

Rockbox Block
Lordz of Brooklyn
The Nillaz
Fivespeed
Brother Reade
Supreeme

SHIRA GIRL
Leaving the Scene
Dirty Mary
Gina Young
Calentura
Shiragirl

Most of these bands i haven't even heard of. But as long as MCR is there, i am so happy.

SO EXCITED!!! HURRAH!!!

I don't want to hurt you. My contempt is only for myself. Sometimes I know I say things that sting, but it isn't intentional . . . because Ana is beautiful. And I am not. My destruction is intentional and devastating. Trying so hard for a little bit of love, and only failing twice as much. Perhaps I cannot be loved. Or I try too hard for affection that isn't there. My desire to take care of people is mistaken for love. I mistake it for love. Ofentimes I want to curl up and sleep forever, until life just passes. The worrying that I endure doesn't seem worth whatever happens after the worrying. Some ensurance, some sign, that its possible for me to be loved is all I ask. I cannot trust your word, or your actions, or my intuition. I'm sorry. For everything. For myself. For my unhappiness and letting it affect your happiness. If it is best, I will leave you in peace. It would tear me apart not to talk to you. My misery would be complete and my sorrow unendurable. But if you were happier because of my absence, then I would go. Perhaps it would be of some consolation to know that you were more satisfied without the burden of me and my contemptable love. Perhaps. I would do it for Ana because she is beautiful and my love is tainted.

i wrote that sometime during the last two years, and its funny what a difference a few months can make. i don't feel that way at all anymore, and it makes me smile to think that my woes once seemed so large and infinite. Not that i think i'm being a drama queen, thats just the way you feel sometimes: like your problems are so big and no one else can possibly suffer as much as you.

i've changed so much in just the last few months. i'd like to thank all my friends, especially Jenn and Kurt, i'd like to thank the White Stripes because they are my inspiration, i'd like to thank the fact that i've finally grown up and found out the world does not revolve around me. Thank you time, you heal everything.

I went down to the river filled with regret
Looked down and I wondered if there was any reason left
And just before my lungs could get wet
I'm lonely, but I ain't that lonely yet

The new White Stripes album is amazing, my friends are amazing, things are just in general amazing.

WARPED TOUR IN 31 DAYS!!!
MOVE-IN DAY AT ST. MARTIN'S IN 72 DAYS!!!

i am so messed up. No. Seriously. i don't know whats wrong with me. i bet i murder my roommate and i haven't even met her yet, hell i don't know if i have a roommate yet. David Bowie is awesome. i love rebel rebel, and my dad said Iggy Pop co-wrote that one. Big suprise that i would like that. i got eaten up by mosquitos and i've been drinking coffee. At 10:00pm. Well, i guess friday night i drank coffee at midnight, but hey, i was with kurt and you can't not drink coffee when you're with him. i feel all depressed and happy and sad and stupid. i'm babbling which i thought i'd never do on my blog. blah blah blah. i'll stop. i am so messed up.